they are free,
not necessarily happy
but at the very least,
free.
and from where i am,
that all seems
very zen/liberating/peacful,
albeit radical,
yknow, how they
are willing to share
all that personal-debris with people.
its all the politically-incorrect,
dignity-diminishing, yet brutally-genuine
feelings that
build up with ________,
and which threaten to sabotage the
facade that you have been taking
cover under.
i never cld fully grasp how people
have that sort of relationships
with people where they feel comfortable
enough to be everything that they are.
not even family - ive always felt
more like a consultant/friend
than a participating
member of the family i.e. a daughter.
so naturally, when it comes to
friends/friends with benefits,
its always a necessary evil.
i think i might have dramatised
the situation a bit,
could be because i feel
a great need
to be expressive and still,
feel the equal
inertia not to do so.
the opportunity cost of
a potential backlash is just
all too inconvenient.
its an unhealthy irony:
its frustrating that i can nv be
fully okay with some of my
decisions to be weird.
its regretful that 2 decades of life
later, what i have is an
inability to fully exploit people
to their full functionality.
i envy people who get to
glorify friends/family/people
like they have this promising power
to share your woes/suffering/pain.
of course
i am largely responsible for whatever
it is that this is.
im just down w the chronic disability to
talk about most things/specifics/in
all gory detail
because it is just too raw and scary -
and why do i need to feed your curiosity
at the expense of my personal comfort??
so maybe the root of this
misunderstanding could be how i come
across as overly vocal.
its the greatest indignant of it all,
how people accuse me of being happy
and shiz.
when i whine excessively/repetitively
about sth trivial, it is not because i
have a low threshold:
whatever i harp on around people
is usually less likely to be a real
problem that affects me and more likely
to be timefillers for awkward moments in life:
so yes the
the ranting, chatty, enthusiastic version of me
is all just a
mechanism that
takes only 0.002s of awkward silence
to kick in.
gee thats a lot of
selfindulgence for a post
11:22 PM